I'm A Villainess, Can I Die? - Chapter 35
Translator and Editor: Effe and Ishy
I lived like that and died that way, so nothing has changed since I entered Selena’s body. It was true that I was annoyed, and that I was exhausted. It was also true that I thought of sleeping to pass the time, be it in life or death.
But I was a little afraid. Selena didn’t have any pressure or goals, so how was I supposed to live for 4 years?
I could’ve just shamelessly pretended to be Selena and lived in luxury, but I was a person who couldn’t even make decisions for myself, so how was I going to do that for the next 4 years?
So maybe that was the reason why I was obsessed with Selena’s wish. If Selena’s wish was my life’s goal and became my usefulness, then I just had to remember it to live on.
Then I would live a useful life. Again, like I did previously.
After thinking this far, I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Any further arguing was useless anyway.
Selena died, and I jumped off the clock tower. Perhaps even if my head was broken, it would have been broken twice. What’s the use of two people arguing about life when they have both already died?
Eventually, the two of us stopped talking and sat down next to each other. Selena’s head touched my shoulder.
Selena, who closed her eyes gently while glancing at me, slowly opened her mouth.
“… Just pretend to be me and live. Just…… If you are living a life of deceit and it makes you feel happy, why not just accept it as it is and live a happy life? It’s okay if you live, it’s okay if you don’t live… I’ve lived like that in my previous life… While you weren’t rebelling against unreasonable situations and instead lived someone else’s life…”
“When did I.”
“Your whole life was your sister’s. There was nothing for you. You were only the shell with the contents wielded by others, and you lived by easily adapting to such ridiculous situations.”
I closed my eyes while listening to Selena’s voice.
Yes, that life was full of lies. Nothing was for me, everything was for my sister. It was a life where if I took my sister out of my life, nothing was left.
In other words, I was my sister. But even when my sister died, I didn’t become myself in that life.
“So, just accept that nonsense life, this time as well. You make sacrifices easily, but why can’t you be greedy?”
“Because I didn’t learn to be greedy.”
“…Then learn it a little bit. The owner has allowed you to, so just say, ‘I get it,’ and brazenly accept it. Later, if the people around you find out, do it again. The ‘Where am I? Who am I?’”
Selena, who spoke playfully, giggled a little. Her voice was so shaky that I wondered when she had fought with her voice so high.
Our voices were getting weaker and weary. Our eyelids began to grow heavy as if the two of us, who had now spoken almost as if muttering, became a lullaby to each other.
“Do it. Do it all. You should live your life too. Because I’m giving it… Just take it. You can take it. Even if you don’t have a set method, you may learn how to be happy as you live, or you may want to live longer. You may think you chose death yourself, but… I don’t think so. Your back had even been pushed to death by someone else. ‘Your use is over, so you must die now.’ That was how you were pushed.”
After those words, Selena’s voice became so small that it could not be heard.
The moment when even the sound was cut off with my eyes that were completely closed, I felt strangely sad. Without even knowing what the reason was, I just lost my mind.
Selena looked at the woman with the completely closed eyes, and gently stroked her dark hair.
“So, from now on, you have to choose for yourself. Not for anyone’s will, not on behalf of anyone. Don’t be like that anymore… Be as you wish… Have a life that’s really yours.”
Mumbling an unreachable voice, Selena became a butterfly again and was scattered everywhere. Again, in a space filled with only darkness, the woman sat alone and fell asleep as if she were dead.
When I opened my eyes again, Selena was gone.
I forgot that I was supposed to grab Selena by the neck because I was slapped on the cheek for nothing when I came to meet Selena again, so I sighed.
Strangely, the space felt even more empty when I was left alone after talking to someone who radiated such energy in a dark place.
I closed my eyes while sitting, and then opened them again. In the empty space, there was something like white smoke that had never been seen before.
‘What else is it? Is it Selena again?’
Then I would slap her on the back, this time for sure.
While I was having those thoughts, the smoke became a human figure.
When the smoke took full human form, I couldn’t open my mouth.
My hands were numb. Whether it was longing or resentment… A vortex of unknown emotions began to rush through my chest. Meanwhile, the person who stirred the vortex rolled her eyes with a nonchalant expression.
She was calling me with a cheerful voice.
My eyes twitched at the face and voice of my younger sister with her head raised through the hazy smoke. I had no choice but to do so. Really… I had no choice but to do so.
My mind went blank. Oh, was there any other moment when something felt as empty as this?
When your heart stopped, when everything of mine died in an instant. When you said your last words, ‘sister’, with that broken voice and didn’t open your mouth any more.
And even at the moment when I jumped out of the building.
Yes, even then, I had these thoughts in my head.
But why? Was it because I never imagined that I would die like this and see you again? I couldn’t even remember your appearance with those peach-colored, lively cheeks… Was it because I could only see her after I died?
“…Eunji? Are you really… Eunji?”
I thought my voice might tremble, but it didn’t tremble at all. It was really me too. As I listened to her usual voice with my ears, my heart calmed down a little.
“Well. I could be real or I could be fake,”
Eunji smiled ironically and gave an unreasonable answer. Was it a joke or was it the truth… She had the appearance where it was ambiguous whether it was an illusion or reality.
“Anyways, why is Sister here?”
“Why? Because you wanted to see me?”
Eunji burst out laughing and sat down in front of me.
Her hand, which was always pale and rough, approached mine. As I watched her move without saying a word, as if I was possessed, Eunji’s hand that touched mine scatteredlike smoke in an instant. As if she didn’t even exist in the first place.
“I could be your fantasy, a real soul, or something in between.”
‘Could be a fantasy, a real soul, or something in between? What kind of bulls**t is that?’
Whether or not she knew my thoughts, Eunji simply smiled and looked at me softly.
“I’m here because I want to tell Sister something.”
“The reason you come here.”
A whispering voice echoed in my ears as if it was telling a secret. The corners of Eunji’s eyes, which had been curved like a half moon the whole time, gradually found their place, and soon turned into a serious face and looked at me.
Could this child have such an adult-like expression? Once again, Han Eunji had a healthy face and looked like an adult.
She died before she was even 20… She couldn’t be an adult.
“Previously… There is something I want you to know.”
Eunji slowly raised her hand and touched my forehead. Unlike before, it didn’t disperse like fog. Contrarily, fog rose up around me.
I grabbed the thin wrist, wondering if Eunji would disappear like this, but this time I slowly closed my eyes as I looked at the scattered wrist, as if I was catching the air.
‘Oh, how many times have I already closed my eyes like this today?’ In the midst of useless thoughts, I finally opened my eyes in an unfamiliar space with Eunji, who closed her eyes again to create a half-moon shape.
No, I woke up in a familiar space.
It was in the memories from my previous life.
I became a shadow and watched the young me grow up. First I saw myself when my memories started, around the age of 5… then as a 7-year-old, when I was adopted, as a 9-year-old when Eunji was born. Then, a 10-year-old who was pushed aside.
An 11-year-old, a 12-year-old, a 13-year-old who was beaten every day 一 Until the child who wanted to be loved gradually forgot about her desires.
Until the moment when that child grew up and eventually became an incapable adult, standing on top of a building with her life in jeopardy.
Memories, both long and short, flashed before my eyes. I was amazed that these countless memories could flow so quickly. It would have been nice if reality had flowed as quickly.
All of a sudden, I was sitting down in a seat at the cinema and watched the ending credits of my life rolling up, while Eunji was sitting next to me.
“The only thing Sister couldn’t accept was Selena’s life…… Is that because Sister and Selena are different people? The family, friends, and everyone else who knows Selena literally know you as ‘Selena’, as well.”
“… Yes. Just because I got into Selena’s body, that doesn’t mean her past can be mine.”
“That is so. But truthfully, that’s not the only thing. That may be the superficial reason, but it’s not the real one, right?”
Eunji’s true intention was probably to get me to speak of my fear. Fear of an unpredictable life. A life in which I couldn’t even easily decide even when I’ll ‘pretend to be Selena.’
But I didn’t want to say that out loud with my voice. Especially to Eunji.
Looking at the ending credits rolling up, Eunji smiled brightly and pointed at me, with teary eyes. As she was now healthy, her fingers looked very free-spirited.
“No. A real heart. Deeper than that. For example… When Sister was 10 years old, the day you tried to kill me when I was asleep. That’s what I meant.”
It seems that it wasn’t just her fingers that were free-spirited. How cruel were the words that came out of her mouth…. She seemed to have learned tongue boxing. I leaned back on the cinema chair and closed my eyes.
This child must be part of my fantasy. Because, when I was 10 years old, Eunji was only two years old.
A child who has not tasted sweetness does not know whether the environment given to them is good or bad, or whether there is such a thing as a fantasy world that is brighter than darkness.
However, once one bites a candy, its sweetness is bound to spring out of nowhere. Even if they later ate grass in hunger, the memories of that sweetness will not disappear.
If I had the money, would I buy more grass or a single piece of candy?
Before Eunji was born, that is, about a year and a half after I was adopted by my parents, I was pretty loved. No, I was loved immensely.
The childless couple decided to adopt a child, and they adopted a 7-year-old child who caught their eye like it was fate from the orphanage where they had initially come to adopt a newborn baby.
Nice clothes, good food, kind words, and a warm house.
Oh, how I had been freed from the tiny orphanage where I used to growl over a single meal and lead an ecstatic life.
Yes, I felt like a princess in a fairy tale when I was young.
And a princess needed trials.
Like Snow White who ran away from her castle and bit a poisonous apple, or Cinderella who lost her parents and was bullied by her stepmother and her stepsisters… However, life was not a fairy tale. In a fairy tale, I would somehow overcome those trials and have a happy ending, but I was only going through trials, trials and trials.
Life was always full of trials and tribulations, but I couldn’t give up hope when I was a child who couldn’t see the end.
‘I will be happy again. I will be loved by my parents. The kitchen maid will eventually become a princess again.’
So I always laughed. Even if I heard harsh words, even if I was beaten, even if I went hungry… Even if I squatted alone in the cold warehouse room… no tears were shed. No, even while I was crying, the corners of my lips were raised.
Because my old parents liked my smiling face. I considered such a stupid thing.
Hello~! You may have noticed that FL’s younger sibling turned into a younger sister here instead of brother. I noticed that there might be a misunderstanding from the previous tls about the younger siblings gender >.< The word for younger sibling in KR doesn’t have a gender (they have, but people rarely use it), so it might be hard to guess the younger sibling’s gender somehow. But in this chapter, the younger sibling calls FL ‘eonni’, which is something a younger sister would call her older sister. A younger brother would have to call his older sister ‘noona’. Thus, I’m changing the FL’s younger sibling into a sister! Thank you for understanding! ────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
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